Lately this song has been ringing through my brain…
“When you were young
And your heart was an open book
You used to say, “Live and let live”
(You know you did, you know you did, you know you did)
But if this ever-changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die”
-Wings(you know, that OTHER band Sir Paul McCartney was in)
It wasn’t until recently that I really connected with this song. I guess it was because I was “young and my heart was an open book.”
You see, I am having a hard time keeping friends. Some have been lost because of distance, others time, others just won’t call me back. I seem to be stuck on the ones who won’t call me back. I have this problem where I need to be liked by everyone I encounter. It’s not healthy, I need to get over myself and it’s really time consuming and annoying! (Just ask my husband who I whine to when I think someone doesn’t like me!)
There are a few people that I have known for years that simply don’t want to be in my life right now. Do I have my assumptions on why? Yup. I know I am not perfect. I know I have hurt people along the way, and I feel terrible for that. There are many people I wish I could sit down and have a good conversation with in order to apologize for whatever it was I did that hurt them. Many times it has been my faith that has gotten in the way, and for that I am deeply sorry.
I can be a fireball sometimes, and when I get stuck on something I can kind of go overboard and really make someone feel judged, and I know I have done that to a few people, and if you are reading this and have felt that from me, I am very sorry. When I should have shut my mouth and loved you with a hug and compassion I made you feel like I was throwing stones at you. Never did I want to hurt you, I thought I was helping with my “words of wisdom” which was just me telling you what you were doing was wrong and why I thought it was wrong. You didn’t deserve that.
Am I writing this apology in hopes you come back into my life and like me again?
No.
I’m writing it because you deserve it. You deserve to know that I know I am not perfect. That I was wrong. That I am trying to love people better now, and I’m sorry I failed with you.
I have written that apology to a few friends in the past honestly hoping they would respond with “all is forgiven! you are the best friend I could ask for!” but in reality I haven’t heard one word from them. That has been hard. But I have been learning to let it go. To allow myself to put out into this world what I want to receive, and then let it go. I cannot make anyone do anything, I can only control myself, and I’m learning to focus on that.
I am also learning that these “seasons” I have been talking about are more intense as you get older. Parenthood has created a weird wall between me and my non-parent friends, and I have written about that in the past, but it’s even more obvious as I am now trying to reach out.
Well, I thought I was reaching out. I was really just creating situations that only worked for me, and getting upset when other people wouldn’t bend the way I wanted them to.
(I see a re-occuring theme in my life!)
So, in my ever present changing view of life I am discovering that I need to cherish the people who want to be in my life. To keep them close to my heart, and to love them. To not be overcome with a weird desire to be “liked” by someone that isn’t meant to be in my life right now.
I still love those distant friends, I cherish them, they are loved. I miss them, but I must accept that there really is a time and a place for everyone and everything that happens in your life. You have to let people go and move forward.
So in order to receive, I must give. I will make an effort to cater to others, to make things work so that I am in their lives on their terms.
I wrote a few months ago about a beautiful woman Liz Lord who was battling brain cancer. She lost the fight on February 1st and is dearly missed. Being a part of her life before she got sick, watching her amazing positive attitude during her sickness, and how she impacted so many lives in the short 28 years she was on this planet has been unbelievably inspirational to me and a big catalyst for the thoughts behind this post. Liz loved everyone she came into contact with. I never heard her speak ill of anyone, no matter what. I hope to have that mastered someday. This is my feeble attempt at the beginning stages of that rare art form she was so brilliant at. This song made me think of Liz when it first came out, and now when I hear it I cry, and feel empowered all at the same time.
Beth, every time I read your entries I remember how much I had always enjoyed your company and I miss it. I have experienced the same issue with friends leaving recently, and I have been feeling abandoned and isolated because of it. One of them was my best friend from 3rd grade. She was also supposed to be my matron of honor and I was surprised and hurt when she suddenly unfriended me and would not return calls or emails. I still have no idea why. The same happened with my sister in law. I’m trying to be ok with their departures, but it has been difficult. I’m hoping that I can get myself to the acceptance stage, and this entry has helped me sort of release some of the hurt. I’m always here for you and your family, and I miss you! These blog entries have been amazing for me to read. I kind of feel like cabin time again because I get the same sense of clarity after reading the entries.
My condolences to you, your family, Liz’s family and friends. Your kind comments about her make me wish that I had met her. The kindness she showed that you described, I will be striving for. I hope to master the ability to show unconditional kindness to everyone someday.
Funnny, you sound like me… wondering why your friends are choosing to scatter and leave your life and complaining to your husband about it. A lot of it, I do believe is faith and the desire to live your life a certain way and God choosing to remove certain people from your life for His purpose. I try to take comfort in the fact that I do do the absolute best I can to live a life and behave in relationships in a way that honors God….. some people like it, others don’t. But, I can’t compromise my beliefs or stiffle myself to make another person feel comfortable. We do make mistakes and as long as we do what we can to repair our broken relationships, we’ve done what we are supposed to do!
It’s okay! I have also found that when God removes one, he soon gives me another or strengthens an old relationship. I’m also learning to “live and let die” as well as appreciate and honor what I do have!!
Great post!