Loneliness

My daughter now naps. So I am trying to take advantage of the “free time” to do things like clean, eat a hot meal in silence, veg out, nap myself or, you guessed it, blog.

I’m exhausted.

Tired. Like really tired.
I’m working on getting sleep when I can, but I’m not one to function well on interrupted sleep. Especially with a wonderful imagination that kicks in at 3:13am after I have put my crying baby back to sleep.
I’m like achy muscles, head hurts tired.
I’m cranky tired.
I’m easily offended and emotional tired.

I’m “if-you-complain-about-being-tired-because-you-were-out-all-night-but-still-slept-in-till-11am-without-interruption-and-you-have-a-full-48-hours-off-from-your-job” gonna kill you tired.
Unless you work 3 jobs, or are a mother I could slap the delusional version of tired right off your face.

Sorry, like I said, I’m cranky.
What’s worse is I’m lonely. Being a Mama is lonely, it’s thankless, it’s all consuming and exhausting.
I’ve willingly walked into this world, and don’t misunderstand me, I love my baby girl. She’s incredible. But this world is VERY different, and it’s taking me a little longer than I’d like to adjust.
Sure, I have friends, lots of non-parenting friends. Good people that sleep in, drink whiskey late at night, have long meaningful conversations that aren’t interrupted by crying, squealing, whining or anything else babies do. I’m not mad at them for living their lives that way. Heck, I used to do all those things, I just never see anyone anymore.
Life as a Mama is isolating. I can’t blame anyone for not inviting me anywhere, because my usual answer is “I can’t, I have the baby tonight” But every once in a while I might be able to go, so the occasional invite would be nice.
All I think about these days are nap schedules, making sure her cloth diapers are being laundered on time, getting the budget figured out, planning meals, and keeping house, all around said nap schedule.
I’m also terrible at making new friends, I have a very unique sense of humor that if attempted with the wrong crowd can create the most awkward moment of silence or scurried ramblings of my explanations as to why I said what I did and what I meant by it.

I am sarcastic, I am moody, and now I’m a Mommy.

What the heck does all of this mean? It means I am trying to figure out what the heck I’m talking about just as much as you are. “Where is the point?” you ask? Well, the point is, I am lonely, I suck at making friends, I am held captive to nap schedules, cold weather detouring an outing, and bits of anxiety that creep in from time to time.

To add to my “plate” which is actually more like a platter, we are making MAJOR life changes. Nope, I am not telling just yet. You’ll have to wait and see. (I promise I am NOT pregnant again)

Here is the point, I am writing this so that maybe another tired lonely Mama will read this and not feel alone. Not feel bad for having a hard time transitioning from a busy bustling life to weird lonely moments when the biggest event of your day was changing a poopy diaper after waiting a day and a half for your daughter to have a bowel movement, or seeing her smile at you while you dance around the room and she actually claps for you rather than looks at you like you have three heads.

Motherhood is weird. It’s exhausting. It is also amazing, I mean you are putting in like 18 years of work to mold a human being that will hopefully become the first female president. It is just hard to remember that future life when you are calming down a crying bundle of joy that is spitting drool all over your shoulder and pulling your hair because her teeth hurt.

ps. if you haven’t checked it out before go to Devour.com it’s the beesknees. Seriously, it’s awesome. Here’s a fun video I found on their website.

a-real-page-turner